


Saturday, March 30, 2019

by poetry_and_stone (thunderstorm_skald)



Series: letters i'll never send [4]
Category: Original Work
Genre: Guilt, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Letters, Love Letters, Other, Suicidal Thoughts, Unsent letters
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-31
Updated: 2019-03-31
Packaged: 2019-12-30 01:45:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 685
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18305666
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thunderstorm_skald/pseuds/poetry_and_stone
Summary: to my boyfriend, who needs to yell at me





	Saturday, March 30, 2019

Dear C.—

I’m sorry again.

I’m always sorry, and you never want to hear it, but this time I'm putting my apology somewhere I know you'll find it eventually and hopefully that means you'll hear me, because I heard what you wouldn't tell me today, even if it took me longer than it should have. It always takes me too long.

I’m so sorry today happened. Not all of today, because most of it was good, but I’m sorry for that thirty-minute car ride and I’m sorry you felt like the only way to get through to me was to yell. I’m glad you didn’t because I probably would have started crying and you would have felt horrible, but I deserved it and it’s probably the only way you could have gotten through to me.

I promise I’m trying to think before I speak, and I can tell you honestly that I am getting better, but not where it matters. I’m never enough where it matters. I hurt you and I’m sorry I hurt you but I continue to do it and you don’t tell me when I do and I need you to tell me when I cross a line because otherwise I’ll keep going and going and g o i n g and I won’t ever stop and I just.

I want to stop.

I’m sorry I’m so sorry I told you I felt like I was going to relapse, but everything felt too much and my heart was racing and my hands were shaking and it was too much too much too much and in that moment.

You’re never going to understand what it feels like to take a blade and slice open your thighs your biceps your stomach your hips your breasts your ribs your wrists and I hope you never do but it feels so relieving to do something to hurt yourself when you deserve it. I’m sorry I told you I thought I was going to relapse because it hurt you and in your hurt you wanted to yell but you didn’t for fear of hurting me. I’m sorry I told you I thought I was going to relapse you because I hurt you. I’m not sorry I told you I was going to relapse because you asked me to tell you when I was feeling self-destructive and I try to do what I’m told I always try I promise I try I promise I’m trying but I just need you to tell me when I’ve crossed a line so I make sure not to do it again.

I’m sorry I break all my promises. I’m trying my best and my best isn’t enough and.

And.

And now you are at dinner with friends you deserve more of and in your pocket is my swiss army knife and I told you I need it back for hiking, and I do. I do need it back for hiking because that’s my life-saver, my life-taker. Ironic, isn’t it? You’re at dinner with friends and I wish I was with you but I’m not and my knife is and I hope it’s lighter in your pocket than it would be in mine. I hope you use it as a knife and not as a blade, if you ever choose to use it.

I’m sorry you didn’t yell at me because “Almost yelled and feel really really really really really bad sorry it’s okay doesn’t matter was being irrational so doesn’t matter promise” isn’t enough words for you to tell me “I love you and need you to be here and unharmed unhurt alive please stay it hurts me when you say you want to hurt yourself and I need you to be okay I need you baby baby baby stay” and I know that is what you wanted to say.

So please. Next time. Yell. Yell and scream and cry and tell me all the words you don’t want to say because I can promise you I need to hear them.

I need to hear them.

I promise.

All my love  
—B.


End file.
